This evening at work I was brought into a situation which without my planning it, forced me to deal with certain aspects of my wild childhood and of my past. I came to Sarasota with these goals in mind a few months ago and I am VERY pleased with the things which I have accomplished up to this point.
Now, I don't tell people my goals these days. For the past three years I have been very seriously and attentively focusing on what is internal, as I have become convinced that this type of focus was and is imperative for me the last few years and will open many doors towards success in the buisiness and relationship areas of life in the future.
Over the past three years I have been very in-tune with my emotional and mental noise and I have spent countless hours learning how to focus on the present moment entirely while at the same time confronting damages which were done to me in my past and also damages which I totally created for myself. I have totally retraced my foosteps in life and my adventures have forced me to deal with the things that I had always ran from in the past, my past and 3 months ago I arrived here in Sarasota to face these demons head on and that is precisely what I have done.
Today, I was wairing on a table of some obviously very educated men of statrure and their wives, when I realized that one of them was a judge who I had appeared before over 15 years ago as a teenager, when I had participated in the theft of a Chevy Blazer. This situation was the first of many bad choices that I begabn making as a teenager and rather than avoiding that this experience happened to me, I connected with the judge and informed him that I was very grateful for his services, that kids CAN change and that the way that he handled mhy situation played a certaiun part in who IU have become today. Neat, huh?
What is funny to me right now is that I am abrubtly learning that my stay here in what used to be my LITTLE town of Sarasota. I now see this town as a completely different place and I have noticed that it is quite east for me to face a lot of the things which I have chosen to confront and my work is finishing fast!
One of the main reasons that I have come to this town was to show myself and the people who mean something to me that no longer to I have to run with certain crowds of people, or date a certain girl to form the identity which I present to the world. I have learned over the last three years not to be cocky, to give back to life and to be an example rather that a distraction from that which is important in life. This has become a time when I should feel really lonely, I have withdrawn myself from many friendships and really learned to be proud of the man that I am, not matter what other people view me as. No matter who those people are.
One of the main reason that I came here, was because my brother and sister are here and this would be the first Christmas in a very long time, that my mother, siblings and neice would all have to ourselves. It was important to me to be able to bond with them over this Holiday Season, because in the past there have been a very lot of things in each of our lives that have become obstacles in our relationships. While I love my Step Family and also my other relatives, I have felt that this was a time for blood toi bond and to show each other that life is less about stuff and more about becomeing closer with the ones with whiom we entered the world.
I had set myself up to really foucus on what I needed to let go of certain issues within my family and regardless of whether or not myh family had or has the same objective, I knew that I would be able to show off what I have become. I havde become something that I am very proud of. While I no longer run my own business or have my own home. I rent a little apartment with friends and I had come back home with absolutley nothing, so it was important for me to show off what I have attained in such a short period of time, who I have become over the past three years and just share what other people have been stopping me daily about. Share ME. I haven't been able to do that maybe EVER. Until now.
Christmas was GREAT! My mother arrived with my stepfather and we were all able to spend Christmas Eve together opening gifts. On Christmas morning, they made Filets and Eggs and my neice got to see Sanas gifts first thing in the morning. I have never seen my Josi open Santas gifts and I regret that I had to go home and shower and clean up from working my 13th day in a row and a double. Transportation is very difficult for me and I had hoped that someone would help me get back. Unfortuately I spent my Christas day in bed. Everyone then split up and took naps and later in the Evening I was able to go to my work with my mother and stepdad and neice, sis and boyfriend and my brother, who was cooking was able to show his expertise in the kitchen off to my mom. We are all proud of him and while it was now my 14th day a row at my work. I felt good for my brother. I also am a waiter at our resturant and while waiting tables is sort of a step back for me, I am also proud of where I work and am proud to show my mother that I do what it takes, even if it means work every day of the week.
I was not able to wait on my mother and Al. For the next two days I was working a double straight through ( that means I open the joint at 10 and usually work to around 10 at night ) my Mom was only here for 3 days and I knew that she really liked Karaoke so I suggested that we all visit a new concept in town where you get your own private Karaoke rooms and can all sit around and eat, drink and be merry. I had hoped to visit that evening after work. Unfortuanatly I had no break and worked rather late. The family went to KROAKEYS in the afternoon while I was at work and while dissapointed, had fun laughing at the stories that were told to me during my phone calls after work. Good old family bonding, something that is not done enough, something that I rented a place so close to my family to regain.
Unfortunately, I was not able to meet back up with everyone after the night we had dinner at my work. I worked two 12 hour days and when I got off of work, everyone had already dispersed into their own homes and lives. While I only had the one solid day CHRISTMAS off of work, I unfortuately missed out on the Christmas lights and walks around St. Armands Circle. I was however able to see people and invite my family back into my work while I was working. I owed my mom a few bucks anyhow, so it made sense and my family was really able to have some togetherness that was much needed.
I am very proud of who my brother and sister have become. Mhy sister is a mom and everyone moved home during a really bad economhy and not one of us leached off of anyone or took advantage of kindness. We all individually were able to set up shop, get jobs, our own places and afford to share gifts with out immediate family this Christmas. This is the first time in a while that I was able to do this. After my divorce I was pretty unstable and broke a lot, I also was travelling and I missed out (regrettfully) on many bonding moments. This year I really reached out and offered everything that I could and I made every effort that I could to happily enjoy time with everyone.
Thats one more mission acomplished....PASSPORTS anyone?
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