Seems like I neglect writing so often these days, which is stupid, because it really helps me. Nowadays, I only write when I am down, or I screw up. Well recently, I screwed up. If you read back in this blog, it consists of stories of my travels and people I have met and inspiring moments, and stories from my past troubles and growth. Right now I am battling a battle like no other. I have come to a point in my life where I know that I have found the girl of my dreams. This person makes me a better person without trying to and recently I have let her down.
I wasn't looking for anyone when she popped back into my life, I had forced myself to live a few years by myself and to grow. When she arrived I was convinced that I was ready and that I must have achieved that peak and now all of my problems had been solved, this was not the case. It's funny how you can be so happy and so in love and then you can lose sight of the things that matter to you the most. We get so caught up in our day to day routines and anxiety and troubles arise and we forget to appreciate the little things that matter most, Love, Companionship and Trust. Once you get close to someone, insecurities from past experiences can arise and you forget to listen to each other, you stop thinking about each other and begin thinking about ME or YOU and pointing fingers and placing blame, A great divide can set in and create feelings of doubt and of anger which are unwarranted and next thing you know you are in an all out battle. This recently happened to me and rather than accepting and dealing with things and trying to see someone else's point of view and merge it with my own, I became selfish and defensive and I bottled up my emotions. Bottling up emotions never solves anything. Alll that was good slipped right between my fingers.
I have made some mistakes in the past month, I have forgotten to thank God, for all that He has done for me, for how far I have come, for the blessings in my life and for the beautiful woman that he placed in my path at just the right time. Not only was I not appreciating her, but I wasn't appreciating Him and I lost faith and all of the magic was quickly whisked away and I began to follow old habits, even if it was just for the moment. I became possessive and insecure, I allowed doubt to set in when there was nothing wrong, I became weak and because of this WE became weak.
Now I am sitting 1000 miles away from the woman I love,
I know that the mistakes that were made were mine and I am regretful and anxious. I am taking a good look at my life and what went wrong and am trying to fix my character flaws, no matter how painful. I am facing this head on, because if you have ever read through my blog, or you know me, that's what I do. It's my goal to constantly be growing, to learn from my mistakes and to become a better man. I have come so far in my life, but I still have so far to go and I do not want to walk alone anymore. My 35th Birthday is coming up and while I may not ever be the man that I want to be, I am much closer now than I have ever been. Regardless of what happens to me in the next week, in the next year, I know and can honestly be sure that I will not make these same mistakes ever again. I have learned the hard way, but right now the person who is suffering most from my stubborn selfishness is me and I will not allow myself to just give away all the good things in my life, I will not give up that easy.
Grateful I am to have this woman still in my life, she loves me and believes in me. She is a dynamic personality who brightens the lives of all of those around her and I am ashamed that I would ever try to put out the flame that is HER and shines bright to bring so much happiness to me and those around her.
I love you Stacy Goss !
Thank You for coming into my life and not letting me go...you make me a better person, YOU are the ONE! I promise to never let you go and to let YOU be YOU, the person who I fell in love with!
