Life is funny. It seems like I spent years trying to explain myself to people, when I hadn't even figured out myself yet. Now, I am pretty easy to figure out. At least in some respects. 3 years ago I set out to rewire my brain and my emotional self and I have adventured along life blogging it all. If you want to get to know how I think, my blog is a good start.
I started on myspace and it was after my divorce, I was quite negative and if you read my blog then (thank you) and still read (thanks again), it is obvious the changes that I have underwent and you have definitely been able to read along as I have logged some of the methods that I have used in my transformation. I have grown up, I know who I am!
It's silly. I was a BAD kid. Real bad. As I transitioned from adolescence into adulthood I wanted to fix everything. I wanted to discover who I was and I wanted to please everyone else at the same time. What I ended up doing was taking everyone else's advice and then feeling like crap when I didn't receive recognition for doing what people said I should do! I was a great student, a good husband and while I still made a ton of mistakes, I did a lot of things exactly the way people said that I should. Unfortunately I was always quitting things as what would please one, would disappoint another and I was never really happy.
As time progressed and I began to get older, I looked back at my failures and I realized that some things that others considered failure in my life, I viewed as successes. I came to realize that I can't please everyone, so I began to slowly disregard the advice of people who I did not find to be successful in their own lives. Soon I was left with family, the people who were supposed to be the closest to me. I began to realize that deep down inside, I was always trying to please family, but again, I have many family members and the advice from family frequently contradicted each other. I again found myself to be a failure in others eyes and then in my own.
Now, over the last three years I have really been trying to put myself out there in the world. To be by myself in key positions of survival and rely not on the advice of others, but on the little voice inside my gut and on God. There have been so many situations over the last three years that literally have been life or death situations and there was no one to advise me. Sometimes I got weak and I ran back to my comfort zone. Sometimes, I gave up briefly and stepped off of my path and tried to do what others thought that I should do. EVERY TIME I DID THAT MY HAPPINESS LEFT ME AND EVERYTHING STOPPED WORKING....no matter how hard I tried.
Now, I have really chosen to make my own choices and decisions. I have become confident in that which I do and I have really noticed that no matter what I do, people are going to have an opinion. The crazy thing is most of the people with the strongest opinions are the people who think that they know me the best, but listen to me the least.
Now that I have truly discovered who I am, what I want and where I am headed I have established a game plan for myself. I used to have the desire to tell everyone who would listen to me what my next move was and unravel all of these big plans that I had in my life before them. Of course I wasn't sure what I was doing so when I didn't complete those things I appeared to be a failure in not only my eyes but in their eyes as well.
Nowadays I don't tell anyone what my game plan is. I am and have been on a path that I have totally created and I have goals for the next minute, day, month and year. The path that I have chosen for myself is a very unorthodox path, but I believe that it is the best one for me and it is a plan that I believe will make me a very successful person. However, I may not view success the same way as YOU might. I am very excited about the goals that I have completed this past year and especially this past 3 months and even though sometimes I fell off of my path, EVERY TIME I DID I GREW AND BECAME STRONGER. I no longer care how people view me, or what they think of me and I feel very sorry for the people with whom I have tried to display the changes that I have underwent and who have chosen not to pay attention.
There are some relationships in my life that still need healing. I spent much time and energy working on myself and on my relationships with the people who I consider important in my life. Some of my relationships have mended quite easily, while others require not just me to put forth an effort but US to put en effort into it together. I have tried to force other people to work with me, (trust me if you are reading this and you think it is you, it probably is, but you are not the only one so don't get to pissed off) but some people do not want to accept that they need to change. I did accept that I needed to change and still accept that there are areas in my life that need changing. Some problems that we have in life are not based on this moment, but are deep rooted in the past and the only way to work them out is to own up to our ends, face them and work them out together. If these things are not done, the relationship never mends. There are two sides to everything.
So in these relationships in which I could not create a team effort in mending, I satisfied my end to the best of my ability, stood my ground where I needed to and always have left an open door for healing. I hope that some day that door is entered. Either way, I have accepted that things are the way that they are in my life and I have stopped trying to force things to GET FIXED or GET BETTER. I have stopped trying to explain to people who I am or tried to get people to accept me. It's so funny that now that I have done so and I have stopped trying to communicate with people who were taking and not giving, I am hearing MORE through the grapevine that the rumor is that I am broken.
How funny,
I have never felt better and while I don't always follow the rules, for the first time in my life I can stand tall, stand alone and feel completely strong and whole. I regret that relationships are drifting away. But I also accept that I have changed and am changing and these relationships may not have been healthy in the first place, or they may have never even been and I was trying to create something that was not.
I now sit back and accept who I am, love who I am and am eager to grow more and to share myself with the world. I have a game plan and I like my plan and there is nothing that is going to sway me from my goals. It's ok, you may not agree with me, you may think that I am all wrong, but I remain unswayed. I live my life exactly the way that I want and I have a reason to my ryhme. While some people may not agree with my values or with the things that I do, if they want to be in my life they should accept them and encourage me as I encourage the people around me, don't try and change me. That's what the people I have kept close in my life do, we support and uplift each other and do not judge. I believe in supporting people close to me and trusting in their ability to be EXACTLY what they want to be. That's what friends should do, lift each other up....
~1 love
tilly
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