Recently someone entered my life in a time where I was a bit vulnerable. While it was a vulnerable time in my life, it was also a time where I was being forced to look at myself through a clear lens and while I was not totally satisfied with what I was seeing, I was carefully evaluating what I needed to change and what I needed to accept about myself and it was a time for me to be selfish in some ways. While this was a time where I was paying attention to me, I was also able to meet someone in a similar situation, someone who was also trying similar things in the own life, but who was younger and was still in the discovery stages. As I began to accept and notice important things about myself, I was achieving exceptional growth and I was able to bond with this person who was also trying to focus on the positive. We spent a lot of time together, I enjoyed that I was around someone with similar intentions, however, I failed to notice at the time that this person was at an earlier stage in life and while I was switching gears in my own life, I was insensitive to the fact that this person needed me in their life in different ways.
I noticed that I was a bright spot in their life when they had had few and while in total focus on my goals and the work that I had set out to do, I didn't pay attention to the fact that I was more experienced, tougher and lucky enough to have some really good people in my life.
After spending some really close time with this person, I felt the need to be selfish and pushed them off to fly. I was under the impression that I was holding this person back, when in reality, I was sheltering this person from a life that has not been as kind to them and I failed to realize that my company was a peace amongst the tempest of life. Sometimes we think that every one's life is just like ours, that everyone is just as strong or happy, we get focused on our own worlds that we fail to be sympathetic of other peoples paths. Because I was focused on my own pursuits (which maybe should have been) I unsympathetically pushed this person that I had begun to care about out into their own world alone, disregarding the fact that their world may not have that much sunlight in it. I failed to realize that I was being that ray of light and I am afraid I may have set someone up for failure who did not deserve it untintentionally.
Now some time has passed and I wonder about this bright and articulate person who was so strong in turbulent times. I have no idea where they are and I wish that I had let them know that they were wanted. In focusing on what I was doing, I failed to let that person know that they were special to me, special to us all and appreciated and I fear that I pushed someone away with good intentions when they needed me. I felt that since I was ready and strong enough to attack my goals head on, that this person was in the same place, but I didn't realize that there may have not been to many positive people in their life.
Lucky I am to have been able to find role models and guides along my path in life, but this time, I have realized that I may have been that guide and I dropped the ball. I am at a time in my life where I am finally able to give back, to be an example and to lead people or just be of some support and I just didn't notice that I was THAT person for someone else.
Blessed I am to have so many people who were bright spots in my life when there was nothing but dark and I feel guilty that when I was a bright spot in someone else's, I was tough on them when I should have been softer and gentler and kinder.
Now I am left wondering about this person. I never really let them know that I cared about them and who they were. I never let them know that they were an intelligent and perfect being. I wished that I would have let this person know how strong that I thought that they were, that I thought highly of them and their strength through tough times. I assumed that because they were strong that I wasn't needed, I fear, at precisely the time that I may have been needed the most. I wish that I could take it all back, that I could bring time back to those days of reflection, those vulnerable days where I was completely open about myself and I wish that I would have been more encouraging and a stronger support system for a person who I care a lot about, but who I may never see again.
I don't know the destiny of this person, I fear for the worst as I hope for the best. I hope that I get a second chance to show them how special that they are to everyone that is alive and how important they are to all that is and to me. Everyone is important in the grand scheme of things. We are all in this together and we MUST work together and lift each other up and not always pay attention to only ourselves.
You never really know the impact that you may have on someone elses life and it's important to encourage each other and let others know that you care. We are all part of a giant machine and each one of us helps keep the whole thing in motion.
I don't have to many regrets in life, but I regret that I dropped the ball on this one. I hope that next time I realize that I can and DO impact peoples lives, whether positive or negative and I hope that I get a second chance to let that person know how special that I know they are. Please don't do the same thing that I have done. Recognize that you are a example to others and notice that your actions effect other peoples lives and take the time to effect lives in a positive way. Sometimes we don't get a second chance.
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~1 love
tilly
