Ramblings About Life

I have been at battle with myself about what to write about in this next blog entry. I have this urge inside to write less about myself and more about the world around me lately, but I have also grown quite used to using this blogspot page as a way to just vent the things that are going on with me and around me. This blog is sort of like my journal in a lot of ways, but it is not something that I keep private. I do journal in private as well. You see, back when I was younger I got a backpack stolen in Penn Station, inside that backpack was a lot of pictures and several journals from my childhood, that was it and no I use the Internet as much as possible because I know that that cannot be taken away from me again.

Nowadays my blog has become sort of inspiring and nice. In the beginning of my blogging career I was sort of like a rapper when they first achieve fame. I was angry and my words were harsh and cruel and with time I softened. As I learned more about myself and my happiness, as I worked on the internal things that matter most to me, my blog became positive and some people have even told me it was inspiring. With that I have become a better person as I feel that in some way, no matter how small, I am giving back to the world that gives so much to me!

Sometimes though, I feel the need to get down and dirty and just bitch about the things that I go through that hurt and piss me off. I try to be as positive as I can, but sometimes I just get frustrated and I want to spew the things that are bothering me in my life. These days I do not let things get to me as much. While I may briefly feel negative feelings and emotions, I have learned to let go of the bullshit pretty quickly. However, lately I have had a few things that have been a little bit more difficult to let go.

There was a time when I was an angry, angry person. Thank God that this time was when I was a teenager and I was able to outgrow a lot of it, but there were years when I just hated everything alive and everything that was around me. I used to hurt people in every way possible. I was cruel and spiteful, I had no regard for humanity at all and now I am a different person. There are people that read this blog that knew me when it was my desire to be a monster and there are people who have never seen the pain and the torment that I not only allowed myself to go through, but I craved.

Nowadays, I am a pretty happy go lucky guy. I have gone through great measures to reprogram my whole thought process. I have learned to accept negative emotions and embrace and recognize the good and the bad in EVERYTHING that is. I feel that I have truly figured out the secrets to happiness and now, with practice I will master the areas of my life that seem to be so important and it is my desire to share my newfound wisdom and joy with someone I can enjoy life with, truly.

Recently, I thought that I just might have found that person. I had been working so hard on myself for a couple of years now, falling and getting up, trusting life and learning to let go of the past and enjoy the moment. I was looking for nothing and was content even in the desolate place that I was and I was sharing that with my little brother. In doing so a person from the past popped back into my life. I was overjoyed and excited to spend hours and hours on the telephone again, not unlike Jr. High School and I began to look at my life and how I brought myself back to all the goodness that I remembered from childhood.

I spent days dreaming again about things that I had not thought about in so long, about settling down and being simple. I thought about things like thinking about people more than myself and sharing and adventure again. It was during this time that I realized I was again capable and would one day heal that part of my life as well. I became confident that I could ABSOLUTELY be the man that I want to be and that MY woman deserves and will get and it felt good. I opened myself up quickly, like I had not done in a long time, if ever, and I began to willingly share what was inside of me and what I was sharing was good and the feeling was incredible.

As time progressed I began to look at myself not as the cocky and over confident bad boy of my past, but I saw myself as a man an example to the people around me of what GOOD is and then it all came to a screeching halt. The girl who had allowed and helped me to open up so freely had closed. I have no idea why but it was so poetic. I purchased two lilies for her and one never opened, as the second lily opened, the other was already fading and dying and what had seemed so good, quickly dissipated, I was crushed.

Now the good part about the whole thing is I wasn't devastatingly, psycho crushed as I had been in the past. I knew it was time to go and I went, quickly. As time as progressed I peek back at those great times, the times when I truly felt good about sharing myself again and while I want them back....I let go and on I go in my Tilly adventures, meeting people and sharing what I can and receiving what I receive. I am really grateful for the experience I had with that girl. She was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it and I enjoyed every last second of it, because it made me really see who I have become.

Now as I venture off alone in the world, I have friends come and I have friends go. I am lucky to always have encounters with beautiful people and one day I will again have the ability to let myself go and to fall in love completely and totally.

I guess I had a whole lot to say here today. I knew that I had to just pour something out, but I also knew that it wouldn't be a normal entry for me. I really feel good lately about writing a lot. I want to put more and more words down....so that's what I am doing!

~thanks

tilly

Poetry

Engaging in some early morning conversations with friends of late has brought me to realize something about myself. Throughout my life through all of the ups and downs I am and have always been writing. I meticulously have logged my adventures and joys and my mishaps and sorrows, previously in journals and now on the Internet as well with my blogs. I write for myself and I write for others, something about penning details of my life that acts as a release for me and also works to inspire others, I am grateful to have this ability.

What I long for however is my poetry.

Something I really enjoy about poetry is that you can get to the core of your self and the core of your Universe pack it all together with very few words in sort of a concentrated novel. There is so much emotion that can be derived from poetry and if you are reading a good poem, however small, you can get a great grasp of not only the authors feelings but their enviorment, class, and their social view of the world. In the past I have received some serious recognition from my poems, my poetry is what eventually gave me the courage to open up and share more of my thoughts and what is internal with the world. Poetry is what got me to where I am today with myself and my writing and I crave my art. It is part of me.

Unfortunately, it seems that whether positive or negative my poetry appears to be dry and forced and extremely unsatisfying to me when I am in a good place in life. The more and more I find true internal happiness, the less and less I write prose and the inspiration to write a quality poem slowly has been fading away. It seems that if I am not totally intoxicated or under the influence of a mind altering substance, or if I am not totally miserable, the words just do not flow in a poetic pattern that is acceptable to me. Consequently I continue to recite the poems of old and I have stopped leaving my footprints on that world. This I want to stop.

My desire again is to let go of that block that in my mind is most likely just my mind and again pour out all that is me onto a napkin somewhere in no where. I hope that I can find the release that I so crave in times of joy and not only in the depths of despair or whatever other miserable existence that I used to create for myself. I cannot let this part of me go....it's naturally, unnatural!

~1 love

tilly