What I Want!

What do you want in your life? I am confident that through all of the confusion and chaos that we see in our daily lives, what it is that "we want" is exactly what is happening. Sometimes "what we want" is a negative thing. It's when we are aware of our EGO that we can really start to identify what things that "we want" are harmful.
Right now I am getting good at identifying the negative behaviours in my own life.
Tonight I am enjoying watching my friend "Patience" make music in the studio. It's so inspiring to watch these guys practicing their craft. All of the beats, every sound, created by them....no samples. "Patience makes all of the sounds himself with guitars, keys, etc. and his homeboy drops the drums. It's great to see a friend that you have known a few years tackling his dreams. I have gone from seeing my buddy play bass and do backup vocals to MCing at "Jazz Fest" in New Orleans. Now I am watching him through a little window in a padded box, headphones attached delivering into a microphone and making his dreams permanent and forever. I am gonna help him to do that.
It is strange the epiphany that I had today. I recognized that I am doing EXACTLY what it is that I want to be doing RIGHT NOW!
When the smoke clears and I take a look around me, LIFE IS WONDERFUL!.
All over the place there are people who are following their hearts and having uplifting conversations. I live in a place where we are young and the sun is shining and no matter what tomorrow may bring, I am doing EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!

I think that I will hold on to that!

~1 love
~tilly

Pleasure Point

Sitting here at "Pleasure Point" in the shade. 20ft or so down from me are jagged rocks and cliffs to climb down on and bask in the sunshine. There is an array of colorful wildflowers topping these cliffs. To the left of me is an old man quietly reading a Bible at a picnic table and directly in front of me is a UPS driver, probably a local surfer, eating his lunch. Out in the ocean I see a couple of surfers trying to hop a wave that is so tiny it could've been made in your bathtub or sink. I reflect back on my life a couple of days ago and a couple of months ago. I glance back at the cold and the snow and the South and the boredom and I recall how happy that I have learned to be in the worst of places. Now I am in paradise, sheer paradise and there are some people who I really would love to share it with, to share ME with. I can honestly say that over the last 2 years I have found what it is that I was looking for and now I am ready to enjoy it with someone. I now know who I am, what it is that I want to be and what it is that I am going to do. It is my desire that I can again open up and be honest, be me, be real with someone else, with others and receive the same thing in return. So much has been taken from me, some much more may be taken away, but I will always be grateful that I am able to sit on this rock, on this cliff, on this beach and JUST BE,
ME
HERE
CONTENTLY
~WAITING

no one can take away what I have gained inside....no one can judge where I am outside...and no one can convince me that I am not on my path.....
I know who I am.
and I like myself!

~~~~

Ladies and gentlemen...this is my 101st post. I am blown away by how unpredictable life can be. One minute I think that everything is smooth sailing, the next minute :BOOM: life blindsides you and things get turbulent. Lucky for me, I know how to handle this situations in my own life pretty well and I do, but I am also weary of travel and for the first time in my adult life, I crave stability and routine. I have been on an adventure for 2 years now and I planned it that way, I have been working on things internally and moving around quite a bit and I am seeing amazing things in my life.

Lately, 1 by 1 in a systematic fashion, people who have been in my life for years have been dropping out of my life. I began to wonder "whats wrong with me? why are all of these people I care about going?" I finally realized that these people dissappearing from my life, while they may be good people, have had a negative effect on me. That made me grateful, I am changing at a rapid pace and life is pulling out the people and the things that bring me down. So as I lose people who I was loyal to or thought cared about me at a faster pace, I think life is re-affirming to me that I am doing a good job and that I can now move forward to a more positive place.

I am proud of that.

Now it is a struggle as to where do I fit in today? I am interested in going back to school finishing my degree and doing some social work. I am very interested in setting down roots again and working in a routine again and the whole "nest egg" thing. I feel like my journey is really coming to an end and it is ok for me to feel this way. I am ready to start my adult life and be a grown up.

I'm a little lonely in this moment. I have a few friends with whom I always confided in who are now not a part of my life due to the changes I have made. I am also lucky to have new friends who are positive and old ones who have come back who I am sure can help me steer out of this turbulent place and back into some calm waters and am looking forward to making more!