Lessons from my Grandma...and from life!

Some of you may know that it was almost a year ago today that we found out that my grandmother had a severe brain tumor, she was the rock of my family and I have to say even though she was taken away fast and the process was painful, ultimately, it was a huge turning point in my life.
You see, my grandmother was the total rock of my family, she was only 65 when she took ill and it hit us by surprise, soon thereafter she passed. I am now approaching a big birthday in my own life, throughout this wild and crazy life of mine I am sure there are people who thought I wouldn’t make it. Well guess what, I did!
30 years on this planet is a milestone for me and for the last few days I have been reflecting on the man I have become and meditating on the man that I want to be. One thing my grandmother always told me was to stay positive and be strong and to always be the man that I know I want to be. The woman never had a discouraging word to say and while I am not very close to my family, I am forever grateful for each individual that is put into my life. I was on my own at a pretty young age, screw the blame game, I had enough years delivering blame, however it left me to learn a lot of things on my own and to find mentors. My grandmother was that mentor for me. I sincerely would not be who I am today had it not been through her kind words and encouragement. She always encouraged me to be myself even though for years I was living for others.
Now, approaching age 30, I can truly say that I have been consistently being myself for a while and I am forever indebted to the Rocuant family. The last 2 years have been a tremendous growing time for me. Even though I was on my own young and was forced to learn how to survive at a young age, I did not truly begin to mature until recently. I adopted mentors throughout life and studied Religion and Philosophy but it wasn’t until recently that I began to apply the principles I had learned into my life and since then it has been magical.
In my adult life I have learned that you can NEVER learn enough. I have learned that it always better to give than to receive and the more that you give, the more blessings come your way.

I have learned that if you give selflessly, you never have to worry, for as you have taken care of life, it will also take care of you.

I have learned that every person is equal and has a specific purpose in life, whether or not we can see it, it is there and no matter how dirty and poor or how rich and stuck up someone is, we are all one and we should all get the same respect.

I have learned that there is no need to worry about the past for the past will bind you forever and never dwell to long on the future, there is no way to control it, we can only plan for it. The power is in now and in the moment and if we can focus our minds on NOW we can solve all of tomorrows problems.

I have learned to take care of my community around me, to take care of my neighbors and our earth. That was a big deal to me, I was always very selfish.

I have learned to love life in all forms, to embrace nature and pay attention to the little things in life like flowers and trees and these Redwoods have taught me that sometimes those things can be way BIGGER if not more important than myself.

Mainly I have learned to let go of the old and embrace the new appreciating and learning from the past and that has ultimately been what has made me a happy man. I am embracing this new turning point in my life ever confident that I will achieve my dreams and goals and I can truly say thank you grandma for giving me that one last nudge before you left us.

~Love each other Tilly

Incarceration and other Select Poems of mine

1 metal shelf
I lay
2 metal shelves
lie here
Shelved we wait,
numbered days,
hoping not to collect dust



THE LUCKY BASTARD

Angel eyes
I am not sad
I didn't want
to be a dad.

My choice exists
or does it not?
my spirit held,
not in a knot.

I choose to grow
and help you stand,
Away I'll be
a distant land

You know me not
but know my joy,
my mother, now
she has her boy.


Free @ Last

Caught beneath a fallen star,
it's been so close,
I've come so far!

Shooting by her rocky hills,
my earth unfolds,
my shadow spills.

My voice was lost,
I held it back,
only to feel,
my whole world crack

Yet now I'm free,
yes free at last,
to live TODAY,
forget my past.


::untitled::

Whisper me sweet nothings
Jezebel is dead,
the one who holds the keys victorious.
Read the writing on the wall.
We don't write in blood anymore,
we RIGHT in blood,
to save our people from the turban,
I mean Taliban.
Look at them,
they are everywhere!
Oppressing no one.
80% Arab.
Viva Fidel!
Long live China!
Who is really a threat to your life?
It isn't the threat,
but the benefit!

Tillyville:DEFINED

For years now I have been randomly disappearing from situations, places and events without notice, these disappearance have been given a title and that title is “pulling a Tilly”. Friends all over the country know about this phrase and recently it has evolved. While talking about “pulling a Tilly” my friend Patience took it one step further and dubbed the place I go when I “pull a Tilly” Tillyville. Yesterday when hanging with my friends from USHEMPCO in Frisco my friend asked me to define Tillyville. Here is Tillyville defined:

Sometimes when I am just deciding to exit reality and go on an adventure “Tillyville” is the place that calls me. Tillyville is somewhat like Tilly in Wonderland. When I escape to Tillyville I know that I am going to have the adventures that I am craving, few people get to come with me there, it takes a mind set, but my friend Patience is there with me often and he probably could describe it better from an outsiders perspective.

In Tillyville everyone is equal, there are no rules. When I go there I give selflessly to anyone, but I am free as well to roam on peoples property and everything is mine, as long as I do so with good intentions. Tillyville is everywhere and all places at once, magic happens in Tillyville. I Tillyville you need no money, but you never take anything that is not yours. You can be sure when you are in Tillyville that if you need something just visualize yourself with it and it is yours. There are no stereotypes in this great place and no matter how dangerous or crazy a situation seems it always works out for good as long as you don’t get shaken up. That’s why not everyone can go there.

An example of things that happen in Tillyville are very diverse. One time while in Tillyville I got tired and went to sleep in this old fishing boat, as I awoke to the cool morning air some Asian fisherman began loading up the boat with supplies for the morning fish. As I stare in a dark corner out into the see I heard the men speaking in their native tongue. They did not know that I was in their boat or didn’t care and went about there business as usual. I did not call out or run because I had no need to frighten them. I just let them worked and was able to see a part of life that most people just don’t (other than Asian fishermen of course). Imagine how badly this could have went, these guys could have freaked out had I not made the right moves, the right move was to not move and be grateful for the fact that I was in a great place. Slowly when the time was right I said good morning to my friends and reached out a hand. My fishermen friends helped me up and introduced themselves and gave me a fish. This is what 4 am is like in Tillyville. Everyone is my friend no matter what.

Many things have happened in Tillyville, I have been on movies and on stage, I have been given money and found lovers, I have met poets and musicians and seen life from a perspective that no one else does and I am grateful for that. My life of jumping trains and hoping boats and singing songs is one I love and I would not trade Tillyville for everything. It helps me be me. Just Tilly being Tilly!!