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Walking around the place of my birth has really brought a lot out of me that has been buried deep inside. You see, in the past, for whatever reasons, I had become used to just burying away all the hurt and in return I became an angry person who took out his pains on the whole world. With age I have learned things like self hypnosis and I have learned how absolutely important it is to face the things in life that scare you head on and to embrace them, for they make you stronger.

This trip here has was an example of that for me. I have and had totally embraced a lot of new principles in my life and have been trying desperately to live in the moment and things were going great, however there were certain areas of my life that I needed to grab hold of, things that I had tucked away many years ago and I knew that coming here while maybe painful at times, would be absolutely what I needed to become a better family member for my family and for any family that I may have in the future. I new that by bringing my brother up here and retracing our steps and reconnecting with old family members with whom we had lost touch with, I would be forced to face the bitter resentments from my past that I had toward the people closest to me.

I became aware of the importance of friends and closeness and trust. I became grateful for the fact that there are people who care about me no matter what. There are people who have no need or intentions of blowing smoke up my ass and whatever their quirks their are people who will love me until the end, regardless of who I am or where I am in life. There are people who believe in me.

This trip has caused me recollect painful memories of family. I have gone to the last place that I saw my grandfather (who's name is tattooed on my chest) and saw how important he was to so many people's lives. I have seen my brother step it up and be tough and work hard and he has made me proud to share the same last name as I and I have learned to always live for RIGHT NOW no matter what it is because while the past is the past, it does not define who I am right now.

One other thing that I have learned in this whole experience is that you can never try to make people understand you, all you can do is love them and you never have to explain yourself to anyone. It has become very clear to me, very easily, that my way of thought is one that I earned. My positive attitude is one that was aquired through self discipline and fear facing, through shaking things up and COMPLETELY and FULLY relying on the moment. Unfortunately, there is no way I can teach people how to apply these principles to their lives and to truly be free in five minutes.

What I can say is this,
I have travelled many miles, seen many things and I have refused to settle this long. This hurdle has been a very difficult one, but I am proud. I have faced things and feel like I am 1 step closer to completion. I believe that all the painful and emptional feelings that I have taken head on of late, have all been lifted off of my shoulders and I am feeling complete.

It's really cold outside up here and I may be embarking on a journey to the place that I love. Why not? I'm Tilly.

1 love

Stand Strong!!

Yesterday was the inauguration of the first black President of the United States of America and I just watched his speech. It seems that many of us are at places in our lives when we can choose to give up or forge forward with confidence in what we believe in, in our ideals and in the courage of knowing that we believe in a good way of life. I was regretful that I did not watch the inauguration live. It is one of the snowiest, coldest and scariest winters that I have ever seen in my life both economically and weatherwise. I have been constantly reminded by friends and by family that I have to be afraid, that I should be scared and that I should do whatever it takes right now to make things happen. Barracks speech before us yesterday reminded me to go with my gut, to go with what I believe and to move forward, like our forefathers did through the ice and the snow and to stand strong and confident in what I believe in and what I know is right.

Recently I have been struggling morally. I have and have thought about cutting corners and compromising the things in which I believe and know is right in order to save myself from the perils of winter and a bad economy. I have slightly given in to what the people around me have told me that I should do and ignored the big picture in my life. I had forgotten all of the inner change that I have undergone and lost tune with the confidence and the fearless instinct inside me which tells me to focus on the more important things, inner healing, friends and family. Inside of me I know that what I have set out to do right now and what I am here for, in this cold and ice and snow is not to worry or fret and take step backwards morally in order to achieve financial gain. I need not worry about those things, for in my loneliness of places God has always provided for me. Now I must learn to trust the people who I consider close and to trust my gut. Of all times, this is NOT time for me to compromise my values, it will make me appear weak and wishy washy and it will only hinder my successes in the areas that are most important to me, forever presenting a block from my achieving true happiness and success and I will lose the respect of those closest to me.

There is a reason that people listen to me, come to me and seek my advice even when it appears that on the surface that I am unsuccessful. There is a reason that I have friends all over the country who are willing to spend time with me and share their art, their homes and their friendship. There is a reason why I KNOW inside myself that my path is a different one and my path leads me exactly where I WANT to be going and I am grateful for the reminders that are constantly placed in my life more and more to keep on track.

While many people may be afraid of what is to come I encourage everyone who reads this to be strong. Be confident in that which you believe and while you may make mistakes, let go of them file them away and learn from them and become a better person. Don't let anyone tell you what you should be doing when you know inside what you should be doing and look at THE BIG PICTURE. How can you best live your life? Is it through money and material things? Is it through friends and family or internal growth and healing?

Whatever choices that you may choose let go of the past, think for yourself and live out of love and kindness to all who are living!

One Love
tilly