NOW & LATER

Right now is an interesting time in my life, 

I am deeply in love with someone, maybe for the first time ever and with this love comes some struggle over thinking of not only myself but of another person.  Life can be very difficult to understand.  Sometimes things just don't always happen exactly the way that we want them to.  It seems when we love someone else as much or more than yourself we start to notice things a little differently.  We realize that there are flaws in ourselves that effect other people, either we recognize these flaws and address them or we destroy our relationships and live our lives recklessly, caring not about how we treat others, or how we treat ourselves.

Being in love means that you care about someone, so much, that you will do whatever it takes to ensure the well being of that individual.  Sometimes, when we think about another persons well being, we are forced to view ourselves in a way that doesn't make us feel good about ourselves creating turmoil within.  Right now, I am being made to recognize things about myself that I do not like, I am aware that these character flaws are effecting my relationships with all of the people who I love and have chosen to make the choice to better myself and fix them to ensure that I keep the people who I love in my life later.  This is a time where I am forced to be alone for a bit, so that I can be with the person who I love extensively and not effect them in a negative way.

What I am going through right now is difficult.  I have to be selfish  NOW in order to be selfless later and there is a complicated paradox here intellectually for me.  It seems like things don't make sense, but they do.  I have to work on myself, to believe in my love and love myself in order to love another and convince myself in doing these things that the future is important and right NOW has to be important to leave promise for myself and the ones who I love most to have a brighter future tomorrow.  

My biggest fear right now is that the person who I love being gone will be lost while I am trying to fix the problems which will ensure that I am a solid enough person to give her forever.  It's hard to sacrifice now for a better tomorrow knowing that it is going to keep me away from what I want right now, but I have faith, I endure and I grow, believing that I will become the best man I can be. And that's what LOVE is.

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