My Dilema

As I get older I am really becoming torn over what matters the most for me in life, success or family closeness. The older that I get, like many young men, the more I notice friends falling by the wayside. I have come to realize that the only people who will always be there are my family. This is kind of strange for me. I was on my own at a young age and for years and years I considered my friends to be the only family that I had. Now with age, I am becoming a lot closer to my stepfathers family and I am re-establishing a bond with my own, as I see my friends slowly evaporate one by one due to drugs, alcohol, marriage and their own families.

What makes things very difficult for me is that I am so well traveled and I have so many talents that my life seems to require my living in an urban setting and my family lives in the very rural South. More and more I am realizing that Yes, I am the Liberal one in my family, I am the city boy, and I am realizing that life in the little town which my family lives in is near impossible for me. Yet I still try.

I crave the never ending love of family, I desire all of the things that I missed out on during my teenage years (for whatever reason). I want to watch my niece grow, I want to be there for my mother and father when they grow old. I want to carve the Thanksgiving turkey every year. However, I cannot seem to adjust, live and profit in the places that my family has chosen to set up their life. I just can't seem to do it.

This all has led to me wandering off like Columbus over and over searching for a new land, establishing myself in the big city, only to miss family closeness and drop everything to come back to this little town. It is like I am always starting over in one place or another. It appears that something may be wrong with me, that I cannot get started and maintain a certain lifestyle and I abandon ship. But really, I am just trying to find my balance between family and work and pleasure.

It is my ultimate dream to be able to fly home at any time and be a part of every single event. Recently I missed my mother renewing her wedding vows and that really messed me up. I am always forced to make a choice between what is financially fulfilling and what makes the most sense for me and what also makes sense for my heart and soul.

Now I am ok with all of this, what better person than myself to bounce around and travel and start afresh. I am good at it. I know people everywhere and it seems when I am out in the world by myself I flourish and I have a blast. But I want family closeness as well, the more and more I grow old the more and more I realize that the day is going to come when I am not going to be able to chat with Memere' on the porch or toss Joselyn in the air. There may not be to many more times when I can sit with Bob and scream at the Patriots on TV or sit with Grandpa by the pool and just BE. There might not be much more time for me to sit with Mom and act goofy or play games with my sister and Cory.

Paradoxically, I am 30 years old now. Can I really keep abandoning career and goals and my own future ? ?



How much more time will there be for me to be me? ? ?