Ramblings About Life

I have been at battle with myself about what to write about in this next blog entry. I have this urge inside to write less about myself and more about the world around me lately, but I have also grown quite used to using this blogspot page as a way to just vent the things that are going on with me and around me. This blog is sort of like my journal in a lot of ways, but it is not something that I keep private. I do journal in private as well. You see, back when I was younger I got a backpack stolen in Penn Station, inside that backpack was a lot of pictures and several journals from my childhood, that was it and no I use the Internet as much as possible because I know that that cannot be taken away from me again.

Nowadays my blog has become sort of inspiring and nice. In the beginning of my blogging career I was sort of like a rapper when they first achieve fame. I was angry and my words were harsh and cruel and with time I softened. As I learned more about myself and my happiness, as I worked on the internal things that matter most to me, my blog became positive and some people have even told me it was inspiring. With that I have become a better person as I feel that in some way, no matter how small, I am giving back to the world that gives so much to me!

Sometimes though, I feel the need to get down and dirty and just bitch about the things that I go through that hurt and piss me off. I try to be as positive as I can, but sometimes I just get frustrated and I want to spew the things that are bothering me in my life. These days I do not let things get to me as much. While I may briefly feel negative feelings and emotions, I have learned to let go of the bullshit pretty quickly. However, lately I have had a few things that have been a little bit more difficult to let go.

There was a time when I was an angry, angry person. Thank God that this time was when I was a teenager and I was able to outgrow a lot of it, but there were years when I just hated everything alive and everything that was around me. I used to hurt people in every way possible. I was cruel and spiteful, I had no regard for humanity at all and now I am a different person. There are people that read this blog that knew me when it was my desire to be a monster and there are people who have never seen the pain and the torment that I not only allowed myself to go through, but I craved.

Nowadays, I am a pretty happy go lucky guy. I have gone through great measures to reprogram my whole thought process. I have learned to accept negative emotions and embrace and recognize the good and the bad in EVERYTHING that is. I feel that I have truly figured out the secrets to happiness and now, with practice I will master the areas of my life that seem to be so important and it is my desire to share my newfound wisdom and joy with someone I can enjoy life with, truly.

Recently, I thought that I just might have found that person. I had been working so hard on myself for a couple of years now, falling and getting up, trusting life and learning to let go of the past and enjoy the moment. I was looking for nothing and was content even in the desolate place that I was and I was sharing that with my little brother. In doing so a person from the past popped back into my life. I was overjoyed and excited to spend hours and hours on the telephone again, not unlike Jr. High School and I began to look at my life and how I brought myself back to all the goodness that I remembered from childhood.

I spent days dreaming again about things that I had not thought about in so long, about settling down and being simple. I thought about things like thinking about people more than myself and sharing and adventure again. It was during this time that I realized I was again capable and would one day heal that part of my life as well. I became confident that I could ABSOLUTELY be the man that I want to be and that MY woman deserves and will get and it felt good. I opened myself up quickly, like I had not done in a long time, if ever, and I began to willingly share what was inside of me and what I was sharing was good and the feeling was incredible.

As time progressed I began to look at myself not as the cocky and over confident bad boy of my past, but I saw myself as a man an example to the people around me of what GOOD is and then it all came to a screeching halt. The girl who had allowed and helped me to open up so freely had closed. I have no idea why but it was so poetic. I purchased two lilies for her and one never opened, as the second lily opened, the other was already fading and dying and what had seemed so good, quickly dissipated, I was crushed.

Now the good part about the whole thing is I wasn't devastatingly, psycho crushed as I had been in the past. I knew it was time to go and I went, quickly. As time as progressed I peek back at those great times, the times when I truly felt good about sharing myself again and while I want them back....I let go and on I go in my Tilly adventures, meeting people and sharing what I can and receiving what I receive. I am really grateful for the experience I had with that girl. She was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it and I enjoyed every last second of it, because it made me really see who I have become.

Now as I venture off alone in the world, I have friends come and I have friends go. I am lucky to always have encounters with beautiful people and one day I will again have the ability to let myself go and to fall in love completely and totally.

I guess I had a whole lot to say here today. I knew that I had to just pour something out, but I also knew that it wouldn't be a normal entry for me. I really feel good lately about writing a lot. I want to put more and more words down....so that's what I am doing!

~thanks

tilly